With Relish

“What’s this thing again? I hate being shot at before noon.” 

Lori rolled her eyes at her partner as they took a right down an alley at a dead run. “Kati, you have to start reading the briefs. They’re the maps for human RNA.”

Kati’s eyes got big. “So if Creech and his creeps get them…”

“It’s genetic weapons destroying the world time.”

“I should start reading the briefs.”

They lept behind a car as gunfire exploded down the alley. “I miss the days when we first joined the Bureau. You know, when it was simple stuff like seducing world leaders or murdering world leaders or stealing things from world leaders. Maybe I just miss working with world leaders,” mused Kati. 

“Well, today’s op wasn’t glamorous, but it worked. These guys didn’t expect a couple of cleaning ladies to steal the hard drive. We did good,” said Lori.

A bullet shattered the glass of the car window above them. 

“Won’t count for much if we end up dead though,” said Lori, covering her head. 

“Hey! I know this alley!” Kati jumped up and ran to a door. 

“Do I want to know how you know an alley?” said Lori. A sign next to the door said “Stadium Entrance: Do Not Block.” Kati pulled her gun and shot the lock. The agents dashed inside a storage room stacked high with boxes. Lori started pulling piles down behind her to block the path as they ran deeper into the building. 

“Why are these boxes so light?” she yelled.

“They’re probably full of foam fingers!” Kati shouted back. 

Lori stopped and stared after her. Then broke into a grin. 

“Are we inside Nationals Park?” she yelled.

“I knew you’d be excited!” 

Lori heard the door open and took off again. She caught up to Kati just as a massive freight elevator was inching open while Kati repeatedly punched the UP button. 

“You know that doesn’t make it go faster,” said Lori.

“But it gives me something to do,” said Kati. 

They got on the elevator and Kati started playing the CLOSE and UP buttons like a pair of bongos. Suddenly Creech’s creeps slid into view, each holding a gun. 

“Take cover!” yelled Lori as the men opened fire. The elevator’s walls were as indifferent to the bullets as the doors had been to Kati’s button-pushing. The thick steel box became a snow globe of ricocheting bullets. Both agents dropped to the ground. 

“I hate this elevator!” screamed Kati, as she slid forward enough to return fire until the doors finally closed. 

“Now what?” 

“Give me a boost,” 

Lori squatted and Kati stood on her thigh, reached up, and pulled aside a ceiling panel. She hopped down to the floor holding a duffle. 

“I’ve had this supply bag stashed here since they built the stadium. You know, in case there was a world-leader-related mission at a ball game.”

They reloaded and then Kati pulled out a small black box with a combination lock. She pulled the hard drive with the RNA maps out of her pocket and slipped it into the box. 

“What’s that?”

“A fireproof safe. It, and our unassuming, easily ignorable forty-something female selves, are going to get us out of here.”

“Wasn’t that who got us into this?” 

“No, they got the hard drive. It was the guy in the lobby who made me from the mission in Rome who got us into this. Frickin’ lobby guy.” 

The elevator doors opened into a food vendor area. Kati zeroed in on a rack of uniforms. Soon they were both wearing lime green shirts with a large blue crate dangling from their shoulders. Kati opened Lori’s crate, slipping the fireproof safe between the bottom layer of hot dogs and the hot plate inside. 

They into the stadium at the top of a long staircase with crowded seats on both sides. 

“Exits are at the bottom,” said Kati. 

“Problem,” said Lori. The creeps were prowling the walkway below. Two of them broke off to head up the stairs toward the agents. 

Kati turned and bellowed “WIENAHS! GETCHA WIENAHS HERE!”

Lori looked at her, horrified. “What the hell?”

“Do your job!” 

Lori took a determined breath. “HAWT DAWGS HERE! GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HAWT!” 

They made their way down the stairs, screaming and occasionally stopping to make a sale. The two creeps were headed closer. They were within a few feet when Lori heard Kati behind her. 

“I’m gonna distract them.”

Kati nudged one of the creeps with her crate. 

“HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU TRYING TO GET MY WIENERS? HEY EVERYBODY! THIS GUY DOESN’T WANT THE GOOD PEOPLE OF SECTION 42 TO GET THEIR LIPS ON MY WIENERS! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?”

The crowd started to boo. The two creeps huddled together, clearly dismayed by the attention. Lori continued down, shouting about hot dogs while trying to listen to the ruckus. The crowd was really into the schtick and had started some kind of chant. Suddenly, the chanting became yelling. Lori took a sharp left at the bottom and got to the exit. She paused long enough to ditch the crate and pull the safe out. She didn’t want to leave Kati if she was in trouble, but she couldn’t risk being caught. 

Just then Kati sauntered up. 

“What happened?” Lori said as they started to walk. 

“I weaponized two forces of nature. The discomfort of insecure men hearing a middle-aged woman scream the word wiener, and the brutality of a crowd when it’s offered free food.” 

Lori laughed. “Missions with you are my favorite.” 

Kati pulled two hot dogs out of her pockets and handed one to Lori. “If only there was some relevant pun I could make involving a pickle-based hot dog topping to describe how I savor our time together.”

“Are those the kinds of jokes you used to seduce world leaders? No wonder they stopped giving you those assignments.”

“Shut up and eat your wiener.”